


What he wanted was world domination, not guilt

by GabrielPace



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Aftermath, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Musicians, Paul/Patryk as backgroundship, Paultryk as background ship, Post The End, Red Army, Red Leader, Singer!Tord, Singer!Tord Au, Tord becomes a musican, band au, musician au, side character oc, very lowkey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-06-06 13:05:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 10,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6755215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabrielPace/pseuds/GabrielPace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Tord's plan failed, he decides (drunk admittedly) to try something new.<br/>That his plan would bring Edd and the rest close to him again<br/>and the way they messed with his feelings was something he did not expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crushed and dazed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of The End

Tord’s Pov 

It was over. My plan had failed and I fucked up. I fucked up badly. My body was exhausted, my face sliced open  
and my arm was heavily injured, sitting on the ground and staring down on what I had done. Paul and Patryk were long gone  
but I couldn’t help but feel miserable. I knew I had disappointed them, heck, I had disappointed myself, too.  
Never had I miscalculated this much, endangering the red army and everything we’ve worked for the past few years.  
I was scared, so scared that no one would respect me anymore, then leave me alone, be crushing everything I’ve ever dreamt of.  
I tried so hard. First with plain violence ,which didn’t work out very well, then with strategy and well-thought-out plans.  
But maybe they weren’t as thought out as I believed? I didn’t know what to do. Maybe I had to approach it from a different direction.. 

Paul's Pov 

Patryk and I returned to the base, telling everyone to dismantle the celebration party they prepared, delivering the bad news.  
The soldiers were, as expected, disappointed and confused, the red leader wasn’t perfect, but his plans had never really failed before.  
Their trust was shaken up. I wasn't sure they'd be following Tord as well as they did before. If all of them would even continue to do that.  
But they didn't know Tord as well as I did. They were not in for any sentimental reasons so they didn't understand. I have known Tord for an insanely long time and even though I was worried about the army, I worried more about him.. Patryk and I voiced our concerns before, but he convinced us to trust him. We believed this plan would be our victory. What now? He looked devastated and I was curious how he wanted to continue.

Patryk's Pov

We were glad when Tord finally entered the base, avoiding the gazes of the army to go into his office. Paul and I,  
after a good while, followed him. He sat at his desk, a plain simple one almost invisible under the massive amount of papers on it.  
Tord seemed to furiously write something down, a few bottles of alcohol standing next to him. Normally he would instantly notice when we entered, but now he didn't seem to register it at all. Paul touched the man's shoulder carefully, trying not to startle him. " _Tord? _", he asked warily.__ The referred-to grunted, still immersed in his work. " _Are you alright? _“, I pressed lightly. " _I-I have a new plan___ ", Tord said,  
slurring the words so it sounded like another grunt, but we were so used to being around this guy that we caught it anyway.  
" _That's good, the soldiers need insurance that we will continue_ ", I said, glad that Tord seemed to have rebuilt his confidence and  
wouldn't let this mistake bring him down too much. He didn't explain his plan at all but we trusted him, I trusted him. Tord was, despite being a friend and sometimes a shitty one, a brilliant inventor who knew how to charm people. He did it countless times and one failure was only the exception to prove the rule. I wasn't sure what to expect now, but I was optimistic. When Tord pitched his plan to Patryk and me in the morning, though, I was sure, the alcohol had spoken out of him or he literally went insane.


	2. Memories of a red nightingale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tord pitches his idea and (unwanted) thoughts invade his mind

Patryk's Pov

" _Music!?_ ", I exclaimed, looking at Tord in confused surprise. It was the morning after the incident and  
the red leader had just called Paul and me, his closest advisers and friends at the moment, to a meeting.  
Tord, a guy I always perceived as rational and smart, had just announced that he wanted to pursue a music career.  
Nothing wrong with that so far, how he planned to do it with his status as wanted was questionable,  
but his plan was to use music to reach our goal! How can any logical person think that this is a good idea??

Paul's Pov

I was really shocked at Tord's plan myself ,but when my eyes drifted to Pat, I almost snorted at my partner's look of utter disbelief.  
" _Um, not trying to be offensive Boss,but isn't this a bit far-fetched?_ ", I asked carefully, not wanting to insult the still unstable guy.  
" _It isn't!_ ", Tord grinned in his usual charming manner. " _Have you seen pop music these days?_  
_They get the people to do all sorts of things just in the state they are, imagine when we combine the normal power of music_  
_with subliminal messages or something!_ ", he explained, pointing at an inconspicuous whiteboard in the corner  
where he listed a few well-known artists and their influence. It actually made more sense than I originally thought.  
But there were still questions unanswered. " _Boss, but who is doing the music then?_ ", Pat asked one of the most important ones  
that plagued my mind." _Me of course! And everyone that is beneficial for this project, as usual_ ", Tord answered.  
" _Again, not to insult you, but you never came across as musically talented or even interested in music_ ", I said, again with caution.  
" _I may not look like it, but I can sing fairly well and Music was a big part of my life at one point_ ", he said, a nostalgic,  
maybe even sad look in his eyes. I knew he was thinking about his past, probably about his old friends. " _But what about your status?_ ",  
broke Patryk the slightly uncomfortable silence. " _I obviously won't show my face, you idiot_ ", scolded Tord.  
" _My identity can remain completely hidden for as long as I need. Just use a fake name and wear a mask, nothing to worry about!_ ",  
he elaborated. I couldn't help but be impressed how detailed Tord had thought out his plan even if it was an unorthodox one.  
" _I'm going to tell the army soon, they probably won't like it because I will dismiss a lot of them_ ", he said thoughtfully.  
Patryk and I nodded. It wasn't necessary for most projects to have hundreds of people working on it. " _How many will you keep?_ ",  
I asked curiously. " _Probably around 50 at most_ ", the answer came direct and short. We swallowed. That was a big cut-down.  
But considering how crazy this idea was, I doubted that many people would support it in the first place,  
I wasn't sure that if Tord wasn't my friend, I would support him either.

Tord's Pov

I was determined to make my plan work. It needed to work. I presented myself confident, but I really wasn't.  
Paul and Patryk were supportive to an extent, but I knew they weren't entirely convinced.  
When Paul asked me about my musical talent, my already shattered mind drifted, even more, off.  
I always kept it on the down-low because it didn't fit my image, a leader who had a nice singing voice and a passion for music?  
And back when I lived with Edd, even though I knew the guys for ages, I never revealed it to them. It was my little secret.  
The only time I acted upon it was when I was home alone or when Tom played his bass. I didn't like him at all,  
but he sure knew how to make good music. I missed..no I didn't miss this, my old friends, I said it myself...  
" _What would I need friends for when I've got this?_ " What exactly _'this'_ was, I couldn't tell anymore..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After not really getting the hang of writing for the first chapter, this one was a blast! :)


	3. Ripped apart and sewn together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edd, Tom and Matt reflect on their life after The End

Edd's Pov

Life was..different now. When Tord had left the first time, everything staying roughly the same.  
Sure, Matt and Tom changed to adjust to the new situation, but everyone changes. This time, Tords..visit,  
if you can call that disaster a visit, left scars. Eduardo was a lot quieter and reclusive after Jon had died,  
Mark, who was never really prominent, tried to care for Eduardo and stayed even more invisible than before.  
Matt had changed the least, he just got a little more serious. Sometimes I caught him looking at me, or Tom  
or just an object around him with this thoughtful gaze in his eyes. Tom surprisingly was more cheery,  
trying to lighten up the mood, especially when Matt was staring into nothingness again. He still drank a lot,  
it just got more than before, and he had started to lock himself away on a regular basis. However,  
he did play Susan more often which made me smile as I liked listening to the sweet tunes through the walls.  
I had changed, too. I was more careful, scared of losing what was close to me, and lost a good chunk of my confidence  
after misinterpreting a situation so very wrong with horrible consequences. Sometimes I joined Tom when he sat on the roof  
and we drank our worries away. I wouldn't drink Smirnoff, but I recently discovered a cola-beer mix drink that I liked a lot.  
I guess we became closer, but the price had been high...

Tom's Pov 

I hated him. Whenever my thoughts drifted to his stupid hair and his traitorous grin,  
the hatred boiled in me and usually I tried to calm myself with Smirnoff or Susan.  
Funny, how things changed... Edd used to disapprove of my fondness of alcohol, now he drank with me.  
Matt, who used to be quite frankly averagely intelligent and cheerful as hell, drifted off in deep thought...  
He did this to us. Why couldn't have he stayed away? 

Matt's Pov

Sometimes, I felt alone. We used to spend all our time together, but Tom and Edd just...  
disappeared for periods of time. Tom locking himself in his room and the drinking was no secret to me.  
Naturally, I had more time to myself, as not even rearranging my novelty toy collection  
or looking into one of my mirrors cheered me up anymore. I knew I needed a new hobby,  
a new distraction, to fill my time and to block out the harsh feelings of loneliness.  
Some time had passed when I finally found something good enough. 


	4. Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt, Tom and Edd talk and music is involved.

Matt's Pov

It was a clear evening and Tom and Edd had ditched me again when I decided to listen to some radio  
just to block my slowly intoxicating thoughts out. I switched stations a lot until I settled on a smaller station meant primarily for students.  
A DJ was just talking so I eagerly awaited a song to play. " _Now, we have a newcomer who already managed to establish himself_  
_in student radios around the area! The heartfelt songs and mysterious singer have gathered a lot of support over the last few months. ___  
_Here is Broken Tape Record with 'Agony!'_ ", the excited guy announced and a semi-slow guitar melody began. " _I count down how long it takes_ ",  
a medium-pitched voice started to sing. " _To lose myself in destruction and rage, want to destroy my past, killing my reflection_ ",  
it went on and I was in awe. The song continued, smooth yet picking up volume and speed as it progressed. " _Agony, agony,_  
_kill all my agony, agony, agony, forget my mistakes_ ", the chorus blasted, an electronic bass and drums accompanied the guitar,  
and I couldn't help myself but sing along the second time. When the song ended, the DJ spoke again:" _This was 'Agony' by Broken Tape Record,_  
_a new and upcoming band, now part of the Radio EW-CC playlist!_ " That was the moment that I decided that until this band will release an album,  
I would follow this station. And I did. I put a radio in my room and spent hours just listening, sometimes live, sometimes from my self-recorded mixtape,not like Edd and Tom would care anyway... But they did. A few weeks later they approached me. " _Matt, is everything alright?_ ",  
Edd asked. " _You've been awfully quiet lately_ ", Tom added. I huffed in annoyance. " _I'm fine. Nice, that you asked, though_ ", I answered  
as polite as I could. Edd put a hand on my shoulder and said:" _You can't fool me, you've been my best friend for ages!_ " " _Best friend_ ",  
I muttered," _I thought Tom was your best friend._ " Tom scrunched his eyebrows together. " _Where did you get that idea?_ ", he wondered.  
" _You spent a lot of time together.._ ", I trailed off, unsure if this was just jealousy talking. They laughed in disbelief. I just stared at them  
and their laughter died down quickly. " _You are seriously thinking that?_ ", Edd asked, a guilty expression on his face. I nodded shyly.  
People always thought I was super confident in every regard, but even a beautiful guy like me had his insecurities.  
And one of them was how people viewed me, especially people I cared about. Warm arms grabbed me out of my thoughts  
as Edd hugged me tightly. We all weren't exactly the most affectionate with each other, but I secretly loved hugs.  
Edd's slightly chubby frame pressed against me and I hadn't realized that I closed my eyes until I opened them to see  
Tom awkwardly standing next to us. I motioned for him to join in and after a few encouraging looks, he hugged me.  
He also ended up wrapping his arms around Edd as well. I felt how the inner pressure and anxiety that had built up wash away in waves,  
leaving me a dozen pounds lighter. After we detached from each other, Tom looked at me, and even with his confusing eye situation,  
I could swear he had a look of fondness on him. " _I hope you know how much you mean to us now_ ", Edd said, a content smile on his lips.  
" _Sorry about ditching you as well_ ", Tom apologized," _It has been..hard to move on and I dragged Edd down with me_  
_without thinking about your feelings._ " Edd nodded quickly, having nothing to add. " _I forgive you, it has been difficult at times for me as well_ ",  
I responded carefully, trying to find the best words. Eager to go back to normal, Tom asked what I was doing. I gestured to the radio,  
noticing that I haven't actually told my friends about my new hobby. " _I found this new band called Broken Tape Record_  
and I've listened to them non-stop", I said whilst grabbing my cassette tape on which I had a few songs recorded. I put it in  
and ' _Agony_ ' started playing. I tipped my head in the rhythm of the song and kept my gaze on my friends, waiting for their reaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally even longer, but I decided to cut it up so it would be a nicer read :D  
> Had a lot of fun writing this! The songs of Broken Tape Record are my own and should not be used without permission.  
> If you want to do something with them or want the full versions or whatever, just hit me up on Tumblr or Twitter,  
> my username is Marleykii everywhere! (I have Instagram as well)


	5. Relatable Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom and Edd enjoy the music or the continuation of 'Discovery'

Tom's Pov  
  
Even though Ska was my jam, it was hard to not like the emotional lyrics and rough voice. A few chills ran up my spine when the chorus set in  
and my foot automatically tapped with the music. When the song ended, I coughed awkwardly. " _Not exactly what I expected from you, Matt_ ",  
a half joking, half serious comment slipped out without me even acknowledging it. " _Yeah, I guess_ ", Matt laughed shortly.  
" _Can I borrow the tape?_ ", I asked, wanting to listen to this music in the privacy of my room where I could maybe even try  
to play along with Susan. " _Sure_ ", Matt grinned at the same time as Edd said, " _Only when I can have it next!_ " I was surprised,  
Edd was largely uninterested in music and more into watching Tv or drawing in his sketchbook. Matt allowed that, too,  
and I made my way into my room to put the tape in my cassette player. I pressed play and lay down on my bed,looking at the ceiling  
as I was laying on my back. First, of course, was Agony to which I listened gratefully, soaking the melancholy in. I felt strangely drawn to the lyrics,they almost felt..relatable. When the smooth guitar tones faded, a new song came up. It was fast,way faster than Agony, and had an electronic, almost rock vibe, drums heavily underlining the lyrics, synthesiser waving in between. " _Smiling at the gravestones, Left behind in sorrow, Rotten flesh, and tears, and bones_ ", it started, fast-paced rhymes catching my emotions. " _Liquid down, Blood or Tears, Can you tell.._ ",  
it went on and I had chills running down my back at how relatable this was. The song blasted and, even after hearing two songs,  
I already saw a theme.The singer talked about mistakes they've made in their past and their struggle with accepting these mistakes  
and living with the guilt and I felt understood. I myself made many mistakes and wasn't ready to accept all of them just yet.  
I did listen to the three songs on the mixtape for a little while longer, eventually handed it over to Edd and asked Matt more about the band  
and we spent half an hour discussing our new shared passion. His favourite song was Agony as he knew it first and liked the slowness,  
mine was No Escape because it had a badass beat and awesome lyrics. We definitely got closer over our new shared interest and  
I hoped that Matt would wipe out every worry about Edd and me ditching him. 

Edd's Pov

I saw Tom and Matt talking to each other excitedly whilst I was walking into my room, tape in my hand.  
Closing the door, a smile escaped me.I was very happy that my two friends got along better,  
my friend groups tend to only work when I was around because my friends never liked each other all that much, but they always tried.  
I put the tape in the player and sat on my bed, listening to the pleasant tunes. The melodies were catchy as I soon hummed with them,  
the atmosphere was almost gloomy and the lyrics carried my heart away. I felt the pain, self-hate and guilt practically stabbing me,  
a bitter-sweet strength laying underneath. This artist really knew how to convey emotions in his music, original ones as well,  
and the music itself was well made, if a bit rough around the edges. But that would become better with time and  
I was interested in listening to more. I brought the tape back after a while and we all spent our fair share of listening to the songs,  
thinking and talking about the band. It was weird for us to actually have a common interest as that was rare. But it was a good weird,  
that kind that gave me tingly feelings in my stomach. Sometimes we talked about the mysterious background of the band,  
practically nothing was known about them, not their names, history or even how many they were.  
We were dying to find out more about our favourite band...


	6. Worries and changes do not contradict each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tord writes music, and things develop into other things

Pauls Pov

It was weird. Ever since that fateful day when Tord came up with the idea of a band, everything had changed.  
As expected, the majority of the army had been dismissed, excluding about 20 people who were useful and willing enough to stay.  
They were technicians and people with talent or connections. The project had a rough time starting as it was completely from scratch  
and everybody had to figure out what to do and how to do it. Tord spent hours in his room, writing, and every other week  
he gave his lyrics and notes about the sound to the studio where the now musicians composed the music based on  
what they've got from their leader. After a few months, we had the first songs and sent them to different radio stations. After a while,  
some stations picked them up and things started rolling faster. I was glad it worked as I had no idea what would've happened if it didn't,  
but my worry about Tord hadn't faded, it got even bigger. He seemed fine from the outside, but the days he spent by himself and  
the lyrics he wrote in those time periods specifically were more than concerning...

Tord's Pov

" _Hit you with ink and pen.._ " No, that doesn't sound right! I had a writing session again, a bottle of Smirnoff standing next to me.  
A lot of my songs were written drunk, at a time in the night when all my boundaries were stripped away, leaving my mind and heart open  
and I spilled them onto the pages. I tried my hardest to get better, to sleep properly and heal, but it didn't really work.  
My arm was a lot better, scarred and a little more numb than normal for a human, but it was **fine**. My face was **fine**. I was **fine. ** _Fine_****...  
I could fool everyone to believe me, sober Tord would handle it, the ugly truth hid behind confidence, drinking and working  
into the early hours of the morning only to 'wake up' a couple hours later to lead the army. I was ~~**fine**~~ **not fine**...

Patryk's Pov

Paul and I were already worried about Tords mental state when a radio station who had played our songs for a while emailed us,  
no idea how exactly they got that email address, to ask for an interview. They wanted to know more about the mysterious musical artist  
that we've created, which was understandable, but prompted a big problem. We hadn't made an actual proper band or had any idea   
how to present ourselves. Paul and I, although redundantly, went to Tord's room and knocked. He invited us in, currently sitting on his desk,  
papers surrounding him. " _Um, Tord, we've been sent an email asking about an interview with the band_ ", I nervously reported.  
Tords eyebrows went up and he looked genuinely surprised. " _Well?_ ", he grunted shortly. " _Do we accept?_ ", Paul asked, twiddling his thumbs.  
Tord seemed to contemplate the idea and nodded after a while. " _You two, check who can play our songs and is the most likable,_  
 _tell them to think of an easy-to-remember identity that is as close to their real one as possible, and then bring them here in three hours_ ",  
Tord ordered, dismissing us with his hand. We nodded and jogged to for fill the order.

Tord's Pov

I had a paper in front of me, all previous thoughts banned out of my head,pen in my hand, drawing a very simple version of me.  
It was naked by stickmen standards, all my prominent features present. My spiky hair and scarred right side,  
my right eye reduced in its sight abilities. I often smoked my cigars and had an affinity for red, being the leader of the red army and all,  
even though my preference went way back into my childhood. I didn't want to get rid of them, but they were too connected to Red Leader  
for the singer of a band to have, so I needed to reform them and come up with an identity myself. It took me a while, but then I had it,  
designed my outfit and written down some basic information about my persona. I would wear a mask similar to hockey masks,  
just colored in three blocky colors, dividing my face into violet, navy, and jade parts, cut to leave my mouth  
and chin exposed to make talking and singing easier. My hair would be contained under a red beanie,  
my arm would be hidden under a baggy red hoodie with a black triangle on it. I liked the idea to use this motif for my outfit,  
but possibly even the band itself. The rest was pretty exchangeable. I decided that I would call myself Red as it was close enough  
to my title without being too close. I was barely finished coming up with my character when the time was up and my band entered the room.


	7. Asked behind Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band develops their roles and the interview happens

Tord's Pov 

Paul, Patryk and James walked in, almost shyly looking to the ground when they stood in front of me. I wasn't that surprised about the setup, Paul and Patryk were two of my closest friends/soldiers, and James was one of the main forces behind the music itself. They presented me their identities and role in the band, and, I must admit, they did a great job with it. Paul and James, as they had pretty common names, kept theirs, whilst Patryk went by Pat. James was the guitarist who occasionally played bass and was more of the quiet type. Paul was the drummer and synthesiser with an equally mellow personality and Pat was the second guitarist/background singer who functioned more as a counterpart to myself. As they weren't widely known they just acquired casual clothing, which hid all their injuries and unusual scars, a big pair of sunglasses to mess with the public even more and then they were good to go. I told them my plans and we all talked about possible questions and what answers we would give. After a while, I was pretty sure that everything was working well.

James' Pov

It took us a while to prepare everything, make the clothing and style every little detail. My semi-long black hair pulled together  
with a thin elastic, big black sunglasses that we decided would be good to disguise us a bit, a white long sleeved tee, pushed up to my elbows,  
the most prominent part of my outfit. Paul wore his short brown hair messier than usual, the sunglasses covered his injured eye, cigarette in the corner of his mouth, a sleeveless long black jacket exposing his arms. Patryk was probably the most extravagant of all of us, long brown hair falling in his face, a very thick patted blue and black stripped jumper to support his sore torso and grey boots covering most of his lower legs. We looked a bit like an alternative rock band. That image was destroyed or maybe supported by Red Leader himself. He had disguised himself the best as he needed it the most. His brown spiky hair did so much as only poking out under his wine red beanie, face hidden behind a multicolored mask. He wore a baggy red jumper with a right-angled black triangle on it. It was big enough to hide all injuries, not even the faintest line visible. The interview was scheduled in a few days, but we decided to stay 'in character' to prepare ourselves...

Paul's Pov

I was incredibly nervous on the day of the interview. Nervous about my bare arms, nervous about someone noticing my eye, but also nervous about the others. I took a deep breath as we entered the building. A secretary welcomed us and lead us to a waiting room and told us to wait for a moment until someone would get us. We've waited a good five minutes when a young lady came and lead us into the studio where a host was preparing his show. It was a man, in his mid-thirties at most, his brown hair styled up into a quiff. He had a big smile on his face and introduced himself as Roger Decker. After he set everything up and started his show, he began the interview. " _So, how are you guys?_ " An innocent question followed by a few other casual ones like our names and positions in the band. James and I were keeping it down to apply to our roles and mostly talked out the creation of the melodies, whilst Patryk joked around and eased up the situation. Tord obviously talked the most as he was the lead singer and writer. He did a surprisingly good job suppressing his accent, way better than any of us. Questions about our masquerade were touched upon but avoided which worked well. It gave us, especially me, the confidence to continue this project.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long break, I had my wisdom teeth taken out and couldn't function well enough to write. Also, this chapter wasn't the easiest, but I wrote some new songs/song bits for the story! :)


	8. Some Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys fangirl and observations are made.

Matt's Pov

We were just listening to one of our favourite radio stations when they announced an interview with Broken Tape Record.  
It began by introducing the members, which was almost the most exciting part. There were four guys, Red, James, Pat and Paul,  
all of which seemed to be in their 20s. Mostly discussed were the production process of each song and their background story.  
Each piece of information was received gratefully after being left in the dark for so long. I understood their views on privacy,  
but I couldn't help but be happy about even knowing their names.

Tom's Pov  
The interview was pretty cool for us and we finally got some answers on our questions.  
Not only that but from analysing their voices I got some more information. It was pretty hard to distinguish between some of their voices  
so I guessed similar pitch and looking at the faint accent that slipped through when two of the people talked, similar heritage,  
probably foreign. The other two were quite easy to identify with clear voices, free from any noticeable accents.  
They certainly lived in Britain based on their usage of slang and general pronunciation habits, probably England.  
As expected, they were four young adults and seemed to have a good relation to each other, although Red as their main singer  
clearly had a higher position in the band. I shared my insights with Edd and Matt and they were impressed by my findings.  
It felt good to be appreciated by my closest friends and even more so I felt that BTR brought us closer together.  
We discussed the band members in greater detail and it became clear that we each had favourites. Matt liked Pat the best because of his voice and joking attitude. Edd had a soft spot for Paul and James. He thought they were cool people and had 'a shy cuteness about them', his words, not mine. I liked Red the best as he was articulate, clever and witty enough to carry the interview and overcompensate for the quietness of almost the whole rest of the band. Despite this, we liked them all and thought they were awesome. We couldn't wait for more songs,  
information or even a concert, anything that brought us closer to them. If we had known who we desperately wanted to meet,  
who they really were, the excitement would seem almost ironic...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry that it takes so long for new chapters to come out. The inspiration for this story has its limits and there are loads of things going on in my life atm so I don't write that often. this chapter is a bit weird as well, but I think it serves its purpose. Hope you enjoy it. Thank you for all the attention on the story btw, I really appreciate it.


	9. Doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts pop up about the project

Tord's Pov

The ~~band~~ no, the **project** was going nicely. The others were doing nicely. Everything was going according to plan.  
Except it didn't. I couldn't pull my crap together and forget that nagging feeling inside me and, probably worse,  
this project didn't feel like a project anymore. I had to force myself to think of it as a tool to conquer the world,  
I hadn't had any ideas how to even do that. I enjoyed doing this. More than most of my projects before, just for what it was.  
I wanted to be in the band, do stuff bands do. And whilst I had a crisis about what I was going to do and if all I ever wanted was still something  
I desired, we were supposed to do what bands normally do. Publish albums, promotion, going on tour... I wanted to do these things so badly, but I couldn't forget what this was, who I was and who the people I worked with were. My soldiers. My army...maybe my friends?

Paul's Pov

We were all worried, scared and riding on a high at the same time. It was a thrilling feeling to publish a new song,  
to hear it on the radio and hear show hosts talk about something we had created. At the same time, it was terrifying to do a public job,  
even with our privacy policies. Many of us were used to do underground work for years where being unseen and out of focus from the public  
was mandatory to survive and stay in freedom. Tord was not helping. He still acted strangely and seemed to think a lot these days.  
He only appeared happy when another song was finished or anything relating to that and even then sometimes he had this thoughtful look  
in his eyes. I was not sure how things would continue but I trusted Tord despite his past mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry for the big gaps between chapters atm. I don't have a lot of motivation (ironically I write more when I have school) and was focused on other hobbies. I can't say when new chapters will be out, but I can say that this is still continuing. :)


	10. "I say we have to kill our demons first"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exciting news for Edd and his friends

Matt's Pov

It took longer than we thought for BTR to announce their first ep, almost a whole year since their first interview and even longer  
since their first song. But when it finally happened, we were all excited because a record typically meant a tour and a tour meant  
that there was a chance to see them live. The ep was planned to be called ' _Inside of our mind_ ' and was self-published  
and from the looks of it the band members clearly had a decent amount of money because it sure isn't easy to pay for everything yourself.  
The marketing was widespread, covering multiple radio spots, articles in music magazines and even a few teaser songs published on the band's new website, a surprisingly professional looking one that was filled with little bits of information on the ep or the band itself. The waiting time for the ep was torturing nevertheless, but we somehow managed to survive it. When it was finally time, autumn was fast approaching,  
the first leaves already a warm red with the occasional orange and brown sprinkled in between. It was a perfect atmosphere to when we downloaded it on every device in the house so we could listen to it where ever we wanted. We decided to experience this in our own time,  
so I had it on my tablet, sitting excitedly on my bed. There were five songs, although only two of them were new. The first one was called  
' _Mad Man Run_ ', a quite powerful song that used e-guitars, drums, and Pat's voice to create an atmosphere that made chills running down  
my spine. It was a beautiful song, the sad, angry voice of Red seeping through the supporting background. The other song was called ' _Existential Vortex_ ' and had one of the most foreshadowing titles because this song was about one's place in life and humanity as a whole.  
With a looming bass underlined by a soft guitar, light drums and electronic faded sounds it created a surreal, floaty feeling.  
I was pretty happy with the ep. 

Tom's Pov

The day the ep was released was an exciting day. I went into my room and downloaded it just to listen to it for a couple of hours.  
I liked both new songs a lot, but I loved ' _Mad Man Run_ '. I not only liked the energy, but I could relate to the feeling of self-hatred and guilty thoughts about I had done in the past. I wasn't surprised with what the ep presented, but I was pleased nevertheless. 

Edd's Pov

We spent a lot of time after the release talking about the ep and discussing the new information and such. All in all, we were really happy with what we had and hoped strongly that there might be some sort of concert or tour. I listened to the ep mostly while drawing, letting the emotions inspire me, leading to a few drawings that were more than just a slight reference to the music. I heard Matt humming ' _no focus_ ' while he did his hair and Tom trying to play ' _agony_ ' on his bass, followed by all the other songs. The lyrics ghosted through the apartments and even months later we couldn't get over them or over the interviews the band did concerning the ep. They rarely shed light on the inspiration behind the music except that they were personal to the members. After a while, the interviewers brought the possibility of a concert up more frequently,  
even if the band seemed reluctant. Their answers gradually changed from " _No_ ", to " _Maybe_ ", " _We need time_ " and finally " _Yes_ " and  
" _We start touring in two months_ ". Needless to say, we bought tickets immediately after they were released to the venue closest to us.  
It was a two-hour journey per car, but we deemed it so worthy. When the day finally came, we had packed what felt like half of our life savings in the crappy pickup that we used for travelling. Matt had packed at least five mirrors and two photo albums, Tom only bought a few bottles of Smirnoff and I packed a stack of coke that would hopefully last, also my current sketchbook and some art supplies. We were ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is a line from "Existential Vortex", one of the new songs. As always, the entire ep (all five songs) belong to me. And if anyone worries, the actual lyrics will feature soon enough in more detail. ;)


	11. "I count down how long it takes"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preperation for the big thing...

Paul's Pov 

I was so incredibly nervous, we all were. James spent his time fiddling with his hair, Pat constantly checked his jumper to assure himself  
that it was alright and even Red Leader smoked more than usual. I stood in front of a mirror for ages, trying to figure out if there was any chance, any angle that people would see my eye. The tour we were about to go on in a week was a small one, only 5 venues, but it was still our first and we hadn't figured out a way to do it. Tord sat in his office most of the time since the announcement, planning the tour. Today was meeting time as it was exactly seven days from tour start. We all gathered in the room before Tord's office and went in as a group. 

Tord's Pov

They all stood in front of me, awaiting their orders and plans. I thought a lot about the tour and wanted to share it with the band.  
" _Now that you are all here, I will tell you the general plan and what each of you has to do before the end of the week. We can't risk any failures on tour, this is important._ ",I began my speech. " _The first few days you should spend packing, I'll tell you what you will need soon, and the rest of the week is practice. Play all the songs, get as much into your role as possible and try to get as natural and comfortable as you can get_ ",  
I elaborate. " _James_ ", I address the black-haired man,"you will need a variety of your shirts, don't get too bright in your colour choice."  
He nodded and took a step back. " _Paul, you'll pack a few different outfits, but stay in your style. Maybe get a haircut_ ", I ordered. I saw the relieved smile he flashed me because he was allowed to smoke. " _And lastly, Patryk. I want you to pack two pairs of boots and at least three striped jumpers. Again, nothing too bright. We each have a main outfit, but we don't want the audience to think we only have a few pieces of clothing each_ ", I finished, the ghost of a smile following my words. Everyone nodded and left the room, leaving me in this dark, cold room. I had to prepare, too. I searched around and packet another beanie, a brown one, three different hoodies, all in shades of red. One was Bordeaux red and had a comical eye on it, the next one was a light red plain one and the last one was a very dark red with a big black stripe around the torso. I was satisfied with my choice of clothes. Now we only had to practice and drive in our tour bus to the first destination.

Tom's Pov

The journey was long but manageable. I drove, Matt looked at himself in his mirrors and Edd downed a coke or two while we all listened to the soft music on the car radio. It was peaceful. We arrived a little later than anticipated, but we still had two hours until the concert was supposed to begin. We wanted a good place, near enough to see the stage properly, but not too close so we wouldn't get deaf. Maybe we didn't care about that. The venue was a smaller hall that looked like it was normally used for PE, the building basically reeked of sweat. We jumped out of the pickup, only carrying the most important things on our way in. Matt took his favourite mirror, Edd hid three cans of coke in his hoody pocket, just like I hid my flask. The controls were sloppy at best, so we got in fairly easy. Only a few people were in, so we got a pretty good spot in front of the stage. We were so ready...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, I had a lot going on and little motivation. Can't be ahead of everthing, can I?


	12. "Maybe this is time to run away"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The confrontation part 1

Tord's Pov

The shows were going well. It was unusual at first, having people cheer instead of scream, but satisfying nevertheless. Possibly even better.  
The crowds weren't even that big, maybe a few dozen per gig, but they knew the texts and even sang along sometimes. We had fallen into the rhythm of driving, performing, sleeping in the van and driving again pretty quickly. Maybe I should be concerned about the ease that Paul, Patryk and James fell in, especially with me, their military behaviour lessening more and more. But strangely, I wasn't. I almost enjoyed it. And that fact I tried to drown out, with music, with performing, with alcohol. It hurt, the similarities between now and then, four guys living together. I know they have noticed, Paul especially, that I was not really okay, looking back at my actions, my goals, myself. Not when the absense of my friends, even of Tom, stuck to me painfully, not when almost every day I got a notice of my soldiers questioning my authority, questioning if I really wanted to rule the world after all. (I am not sure) I couldn't be okay when my ugly scars stared at me in the mirror, a daily reminder of my worst mistake. But I had gotten better. The concerts really helped to get my mind off of things, almost to the point where I felt like I had a real purpose again. So, naturally, everything had to go wrong. It had seemed like any other gig, one of the last ones before the end of the tour. It was a medium-sized city, so there were going to be a few more people than at most previous venues. The preparation was going as always, as I glimpsed outside, mask firmly in place, looking over the crowd. When I saw an emerald green hoodie and a mop of brown hair, my insides curled up, but I tried to convince myself that it wasn't him, it wasn't them, why would they be here of all places? But when spiky, light brown hair, a dark blue hoddie, ginger hair and a green coat appeared next to it, next to him, I couldn't pretend anymore. My heart spead up, I felt like vomiting when I disappeared behind the curtain, back to the band. Paul sent me a worried glance, non-verbally asking what happend. " _They are here_ ", I whispered, accent heavy, almost chocking on my words. Of course, he knew who ' _they_ ' were. He looked scared and I knew why. There was no reason for them to be here than to bust me, bust us. Somehow they must have found out our secret identity and wanted to use this opportunity to either kill me or drag me to jail, making me pay for what I did. Cold shivers ran down my spine. By now everyone had noticed the recent development. " _What do we do now?_ ", Patryk asked, the worry clearly visible on his face. His eyes trailed to Paul, a warm fondness mixing into the fearful gaze. I long suspected that there was more between my two soldiers than comrade or friendship, but it's wasn't my concern, especially not right now. I couldn't cancel, not if everyone was already here. They would be angry and we couldn't escape my old friends forever anyways. But if we played, they would have the possibility to confirm we were here and also have time to set up whatever plan they had to get us. I huffed, this decision was easy but painful. " _We play_ ", I say, determination flickering in my eyes. If we go down, we go down in glory. One last firework before an eternity of guilt or nothingness. Paul and Pat nodded simultaneously, James following a moment later. Still my soldiers, following their leader's orders. 

Tom's Pov 

I noticed early on in the concert that something about the band members was fishy. They looked like soldiers in a losing battle, resisting one last time. In person, they seemed oddly familiar, at least Red, Paul and Pat. The way they all moved, I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had seen people move like that before, in almost militaristic preciseness...Despite my thoughts I throughout enjoyed the music, tapping my foot to the beat, even nodding my head at times. After the performance ended, everyone stayed behind to get autographs and such. I was not the type to do so, but I was too curious about the band members to walk away now. Matt also really wanted autographs for his collection. I felt like Edd shared my suspicion about the guys, so he tagged along, too. When we approached the bulk at the gate that separated fans and band, the band members seemed nervous. They looked like they were trying to stall for time, picking every possible person but them. When no one else was left, they had to stop avoiding us, because by now this was not a coincidence. Matt stood directly in front of them and asked them for autographs, for which he pulled a paper and pen out of his hoodie pocket. Everyone's eyebrows were raised (even Red looked like he did), and after a few moments they took the paper and pen and started to sign it, giving it back rather quickly. The silence that followed was deafening, somehow painfully awkward. " _What do you want?_ ", Red asked, sounding distressed. I noticed the slight accent slipping through and my eyes..eyesockets widened. It was unmistakeable. Rough, slightly muffled, but instantly recognisable. Could it be? It all made sense now, the mask, the name, hell, even the funding! I didn't want to believe it, believe that the guy I had admired, would be the same one that I hated deeply. " _ **Tord?**_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took an eternity to get a new chapter out. I had a lot on my plate, being a junior is hard and I also started making youtube videos.  
> So enjoy and extra long chapter whose first draft was actually written on paper in school. It was about 5 pages or so. ^^'


	13. I'm sorry...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation part 2

Tord's Pov 

The surprise on Tom's face, mirrored in Edd's and Matt's, was confusing. Why were they surprised? " _Yes_ ", I said, noticing Paul, Pat and James backing away. This was between my old friends and me. Seeing them made my heart ache. Edd's hair slightly messy, Tom's eyesockets their usual pitch black, Matt perfectly styled to the last ironed-out crease on his pants. Nothing really changed, but at the same time, everything was different. No smiles on their faces, no hugs, no half-friendly teasing. Just pain. I knew that they couldn't see my face, but it felt like they could. The walls hiding my guilt, my pain, had gotten cracked, the darkness from inside seeping out, twirling in my blood. " _What the hell!_ ", Tom exclaimed, followed by a huff from Edd, seemingly agreeing. " _Why are you here?_ ", I asked, trying to sound intimidating, but I feel like they could hear the strain in my voice. " _Listening to the music, what else_ ", Matt chiming in, the first thing he said since asking for an autograph. I was baffled. " _You wanted to..listen to the music?_ " Edds eyes locked with mine, his just a bit too wet for normal circumstances. " _Yes, we.._ ", he paused," _like your songs._ " I could barely hide my surprise. They had liked them... " _Why the hell did you do it?_ ", Tom questioned angrily. I wanted to play dumb and ask ' _what?_ ', but I knew what he meant and stupidity wouldn't be a smart move to make. " _We liked it. Trying new things helps to build a team_ ", I responded, deliberately leaving out my..issues and the original motivation, thinking they wouldn't bode too well. " _You didn't know it was me?_ " The question slipped through before I could stop it. I was curious. " _Heck no we didn't know_ ", Tom's angry huff followed. Between the anger from Tom ( _understandable since I tried to kill him_ ), Matt's reluctance to talk ( _I did hit him last time_ ) and Edds sadness ( _I am sorry my friend, I failed you_ ), I felt trapped. " _What are you going to do now?_ ", my question pierced through the silence. " _I don't know_ ", Edd answered distressed. " _I am-_ ", I began, but Edd interrupted me. " _Don't say it. You are not sorry. Shove that back where it came from, Tord. I don't want to hear it._ " If I felt bad before, I felt worse now. My arm twitched, the hurt one, and I grip it tightly. Stay still, don't let them see. Shut up, you need to. Show them. Show them everything. I felt something wet on my cheek, dripping down. Edd saw it, how could he not, his eyes still locked with mine, not hidden behind the mask like the rest of my face. " _You are hurt_ ", he said calmly, a tinge of worry laced in his words. " _Just my scars_ ", I said, not sure if I was talking about the hideous gashes on my skin or the memories that I tried to bury every day, playing behind my eyes. Sitting on the couch, watching ' _evil zombie pirates from hell 4_ ', all the adventures we went on. No one except us was here anymore, just Edd, Matt, Tom and me. Standing in a half-lit room. I took my mask off. My scarred face clearly shocking the three of them. " _No need for this anymore_ ", I whispered, looking down. How far had I fallen from Red Leader, the fearless guy wanting to rule the world? How far from Red, the lead singer of an up and coming band. And just how far from Tord Laston, their friend? When I looked up again, they were gone. I wanted to go after them, there was so much I had to tell them, they needed to know that I was sorry-! But I didn't move. What reason did they have to forgive me? I tried to kill them, I hit them, lied to them, left them... I walked away. 

Paul's Pov 

That night, I stood in front of Tord's office, seeing what unfolded inside. I pained me, to see my leader, my friend, in so much pain. The pile of empty bottles was higher than it had been for a long time, and it didn't even take one until the tears started. I couldn't stop myself from going in and kneeling beside Tord's body, sprawled on the floor. " _Go away_ ", he growled, not yet slurring. " _I won't_ ", I responded more confidently than I was. Not this time. Tord was my friend, but he really wasn't a fan of this kind of behaviour from us. He huffed and took another gulp from his drink. We sat in silence for a while, until Tord started talking. " _I wrote a song, you know?_ ", he said a loopy grin on his face. It looked so wrong, so out-of-place to the tear tracks on his cheeks and the red blotches that had formed under his eyes. " _You did?_ ", I just murmured. "' _'M gonna give it them, they need to hear it._ " The answer tumbled out after he finished his current drink. I understood. The music had helped me to understand Tord in a way I had never been able to before. The guilt, pain and self-hatred were hard to overlook if you listened to the lyrics. I still didn't know how Tord's friends couldn't see that. He did terrible things, yes, but he wasn't the maniac that wanted to rule the world anymore. Left behind was a broken man. When Tord eventually passed out, either from emotional exhaustion or from the alcohol, I dragged his body to bed, leaving him in the early morning hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for the positive feedback guys! :)


	14. Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at home

Edd's Pov

The journey back home was quiet. All the enthusiasm we had drained down the dark hole that was the revelation. Back in my room I couldn't help but feel bad. I had been so hurt, so shocked by Tord, his eyes locked with mine, looking old and weary. The angry pool of lava in my stomach had just burst out and everything was burning, burning and burning. Now, in the coldness of my apartment, I could think again. The tear that had run down Tord's face, the distraught look and the very lyrics of the music that brought us together again, painted a very different picture of the man I was once friends with. One filled with pain, guilt, hate and regret. But also change. Ruling the world didn't seem important to him, he even questioned why he wanted to do it in the first place. I felt ashamed of my behaviour now that I had to admit that I could see myself being friends with him again. 

Matt's Pov 

Seeing Edd hauled up in his flat, scribbling mindlessly in his sketchbook, hit me stronger than I expected. Tord was always more Edd's friend than ours as I had forgotten how he used to be and Tom had always disliked him, but after the revelation, I couldn't help but thinking about the way Tord had been, so much less than before. He was skinnier and all power seemed to have disappeared from him, truthfully, all colour seemed to have drained away, too. Not even the desperately red clothes could change that. I still hadn't found a satisfying solution when I, more out of habit than of actual interest or intent, I visited BTR's website only to see a newly posted song titled 'Ghost'. The only description was 'to my old friends, I am sorry'. I listened to it and was up and running the moment the song had ended. I ran to Tom's apartment and dragged him to Edd's as fast as possible. The laptop under my arm I pushed my very confused friends onto the couch. "You have to see this", I exclaimed, showing them the text. Tom frowned and Edd looked even more confused. I hit play and the soft, acoustic song faded into the room:

"We died from starvation,  
A bunch at a time,  
They said it was peaceful,  
But that was a lie.

Our spirits came back,  
Vengeful and murderous,  
We killed them but that didn't help  
We were furious.

Haunted the city,  
We don't deserve pity,  
We murdered more than once.

We died from starvation,  
Then came back to life,  
But how we spent that time,  
I wish I could lie.."

After the last note trailed through Edd's living room, even Tom rubbed his face suspiciously. "So, what do we do now?", I asked, mostly addressing Edd. It had been his house after all. "I don't know", he sighed,"we have no way to contact him, do we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One final chapter for 2016! The story is going to end pretty soon, only a couple chapters left. :)  
> I am quite proud that despite everything, I actually made quite some progress with this story. ^^
> 
> Ps: I shortened the lyrics for aesthetic purposes! (the refrain/bridge gets repeated once)


	15. The masks are falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the scenes of the posting of 'Ghost'

Tord's Pov 

It was only thanks to my frequent drinking that my headache was only mildly annoying when I woke up. I was in my bed, which meant someone had put me into bed, most likely Paul as he was there as far as I remember. Standing up, I thankfully noticed that I was still fully dressed and went to the office. The papers were still scattered everywhere and we hadn't had much time as there was still one venue left. 'Ghost', written on smudged paper with endless crossed out lines and spelling mistakes, was directly on top on some reports from the soldiers left here.  
The last concert was in a day and the journey would take about 5 hours from here, so there wasn't much time. But I had to do it now, or I would never have the guts for it again. So I noted down my guidelines for the melody and ordered James and the rest of the composition department to compose the song. Just in time they finished it, I recorded my vocals and put it up on the website 5 minutes before we got on the road again. This song cemented it, my fall from grace. It was the final drop to make the pot overflow. Half of the army announced their departure and the rest seemed oddly quiet. Half a dozen people at most stood behind the project, behind me, now. It took so long for me to accept  
that I had changed. That this part of my life was meant to be over now. I sighed, staring out of the window.  
I just hoped that my old friends would listen to me. And secretly, I hoped that at least Paul and Patryk would stay...

Paul's Pov

I was sad to see many of the soldiers leave after the making of 'Ghost', a lot of loyal ones as well. At the beginning of this project,  
I might have had sympathised, but now I couldn't anymore. The band was too important to me now, it meant something. Although I had loved being a pilot and had many great experiences with the army, I was almost relieved about the end. Because I was sure that with only a handful of us left, we weren't the red army anymore, not really. Thinking about all these things made me notice something. How would Tord even communicate with his old friends directly? After a moment, I smacked my hand in my face, we were still an army for god's sake! I went to the remaining soldiers and instructed them to find out a phone number that would connect us to them. After about an hour they had the phone number of a certain Matthew Harvest, ironically from a beauty convention that he apparently visited a few years ago. I wasn't sure how to act now. I could take matters into my own hands and contact Matt myself, or forward it to Tord so he could do it. I was pondering and came to a result pretty quickly.


	16. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited meeting...

Tord's Pov

I stood in front of a sitting bench, too nervous to sit down. I adjusted my hood, carefully hiding my scars from the people walking by.  
We had agreed to meet in public, my old friends and I because it was probably the safest and most neutral place we could've thought of. It was in a more remote part of town, yes, but we were still in the public eye. I can't think of a moment where I had been more nervous than now, awaiting the almost equal amount of potential reconciliation and annihilation. Even if the phone call with Matt went surprisingly well, I couldn't be sure that they wouldn't bring hell on earth to me and everyone associated with me. If I had ever believed in god, now would be the time to pray. Just as I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I saw four silhouettes closing in on me in the distance. My breath caught in my throat,  
I watched them come closer, their colourful hoodies contrasting against the bleak colours of the buildings around us. I had opted for a black hoodie to distance myself from both the Red Leader and my old self, but they still wore their trusty old sweaters and if it weren't for the lines in the corners of their eyes and mouth that became visible as they came closer, it looked as if no time had passed. Edd's bottle-green sweater, probably still holding his lucky can in the pocket. Matt's violet clusterfuck, covered by that ridiculous jacket that only made him look more handsome. And lastly, Tom's calm and cold blue, matching his usual expression, even if I got the impression that he was putting a facade up for old times sake. Finally, we stood face to face. The silence stretched on, and on, and I thought that we would never speak, standing there frozen on the spot, but then Edd moved swiftly and wrapped his arms around me. The hug was tight as if he wanted to make sure I was real. When he finally let go of me to look me in the eyes _(eye really, my one eye had severely suffered in the accident and I couldn't see that much out of it anymore)_ , I saw the unshed tears in his. " _Glad to have you back, Tord_ ", he said, a smile spreading across his cheeks. When I looked to the others, I saw it mirrored in Matt's face and even Tom looked like he wasn't thinking about pulling my guts out. I knew it would be tough, dealing with everything that had happened and I knew there would be struggles, but in that moment seeing the look on my friends' _(not old friends, **friends** )_ faces gave me hope and strength. I started out as a boy who thought he needed the whole world at his mercy and ended up a man giving himself up to be at **its** mercy, to seek happiness instead of power. And after everything, all the pain and the loss and the guilt and the mistakes, after an army and a band and being desperate and broken, I realized that my friends could give me what no crown ever could: **Hope**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The end. 15 months after starting this story, a 7-month break, a lot of writer's block and frustration, it is finally over.  
> I will post a chapter with all the songs written for this story directly after this, but then, this is done. Thank you so much for the love this story has gotten, it means a lot to me. <3


	17. Inside of our mind: the collective songs of BTR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of the songs I wrote for the story in chronological order and full length,  
> as I couldn't fit everything in the story itself.

**Song 1: Agony**

I count down how long it takes,  
To lose myself in destruction and rage,  
Want to destroy my past,  
Killing my reflection.

Agony, Agony,  
Kill all my agony,  
Agony, Agony,  
Forget my mistakes.

I have more scars than my cold heart likes,  
Trying to cover dark, poisonous spikes,  
Want to murder my mind,  
Killing my reflection.

Agony, Agony,  
Kill all my agony,  
Agony, Agony,  
Forget my mistakes.

Rusty old dreams,  
Sewing the seams,  
Of broken old means,  
It's not what it seems, like  
Agony

**Song 2: Focus**

Smiling at the gravestones,  
Left behind in sorrow,  
Rotten flesh, and tears, and bones  
Liquid down,  
Blood or Tears,  
Can you tell...

Sanity and Pain have a dirty love affair, I might rule the world,  
but what's it worth,  
when your heart is in despair.  
The journey has ended and our paths will never cross again.

Ice cold gaze,  
Focus, Focus, don't look behind,  
Focus, Focus, dust off the gears,  
Focus, Focus, ignore the dark.

I tried my best,  
Cutting the ties and fly, far away  
Strings grew and grabbed me,  
Trapped me,  
Tearing me apart.

Focus, Focus, don't look behind,  
Focus, Focus, tried to evolve,  
Focus, Focus, drowning the dark,  
Focus, Focus, burning inside. 

**Song 3: No Escape**

Have you ever lost your eyes?  
Lost your dreams, lost your light  
Drowned in thought of failure,  
I killed them on my own,  
found apathy instead. 

Did the darkness scare you?  
Walk around in black, feeling white, pain inside, fade to red, fade to grey.  
Lost all meaning, did it, or did I lose my mind?  
Because this is the only place,  
only space, only maze,  
that I feel at home. 

Caught in a white room,  
white noise, white scars, no white, dark light,  
no escape.

Too afraid of whispers, laughs, faces, thoughts, gravity,  
Keep my head in clouds,  
Grey like tears,  
scared of eyes, darker than the darkest night. My own. 

Caught in a white room,  
white noise, white scars, no white, dark light,  
no escape.

Maybe this isn't between,  
my thoughts, my heart, myself and me,  
But a past following me,  
Stabbing me,  
Every second that I try.  
To stay alive,  
Don't lie,  
I know the heat of your judgemental eyes.

**Song 4: Run Mad Man**

I realized that I became the person I was once afraid of,  
Lured my own future in the dark just like a traitor.  
I am so scared of me,  
showing me this broken reality  
Maybe this is not the time to run away.

I'm not a villain,  
I'm not a traitor, can't you see?  
No blood on the walls,  
No blood on my hands,  
Never a murderer,  
I was always innocent!

This world put trust in me,  
I betrayed so many spirits  
and then went even further.  
I burned my chance at meeting Phoenix,  
Burned my corpse in endless process,  
Told everyone a thousand lies,  
Silenced my worries with painful cries,  
Maybe this is time to run away.

Run away,  
Run away, traitor!

I am a villain,  
I am a traitor, can't you see?  
blood on the walls,  
blood on my hands,  
Murderer, Murderer  
Was I ever innocent?

**Song 5: Existential Vortex**

Humans are over ambitious,  
I was and I still am,  
We want so many things,  
Like shooting all bad men,  
Or be like Batman,  
And try to save the world,  
Or maybe rule it all,  
Make it a better place,  
Or explore outer space  
We have so many goals,  
that we can never reach,  
The inside of our minds,  
Emotions leading us,  
They say we are the best,

I say we have to kill our demons first

Are we just gonna pretend?  
Are we just gonna pretend that there is nothing wrong with the world?

What is right or wrong,  
And who invented time,  
A concept thought by humans,  
Maintained by mankind  
To understand reality,  
But what we try to ignore,  
With all our mind and our soul,  
Is that the universe does not care

I say we have to kill our demons first

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
